5.34 doses of sadness.

I woke up this morning in a very weird state.

I have been reading some pretty depressing books that made me ugly-cry recently, but this morning was surely different. I don’t know, maybe I have dreamt of something depressing and then forgot all about it as soon as I opened my eyes, but there really was something that had me crying at 5:34 am.

It’s like something inside me had just woke me up from a dreamless sleep to say “Hey, life is sad. You are sad. Go cry.” So I did. Mind you, it wasn't a teary eyed state of crying - it was somewhere near to a “cry yourself to sleep” type of sobbing but more painful in the chest because I tried really hard to suppress my sobs, because my sister is sleeping right beside me.

I checked my phone and it says 5:34, and that in itself was weird. Ever since this school year started, I don’t wake up at 5:34 am. Give or take the fact that I stay up until 3 am studying, thus making the 4 am to 6 am zone a deep-in-slumber you-can’t-do-anything-to-wake-me-up-zone.

I did get sleep eventually, I’m not really sure at what time. At past 7 am, my mom goes about yelling for everyone (or is it just dad?) to wake up. I did, too. When I went downstairs, I felt okay. I laid down again but did not sleep as what I always do until I get the urge to have some coffee. I just laid there, one arm my face. Minutes later, I realized that I was tearing up yet again. I asked myself what could have been making me cry, but I cannot extract the answers. Not knowing just made it even more sad. I do not know what was wrong with me.

I laid there hiding my puffy face and pretending to sleep when my mom gets out from bath. I am praying that she didn't see, because that would just make her think that I am trying to act it out. That would add up to the sadness.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I’m on the verge of losing it.